12 Jan How Do You Trust After You’ve Been Betrayed – Part Two
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway
In last week’s blog, I gave you the first two steps of “How do you trust after you’ve been betrayed “. If you missed it, you can catch it here: or you can watch the video on YouTube here: Now on to part 2 and the next steps…
Betrayal hurts, I know. After someone we’ve loved and trusted has hurt us, it’s so much easier to simply shut down sometimes. Even though its “them” we think we’re “punishing”, it’s you who actually suffers the most. Not only do we end up missing out on love and feeling our best, but its mentally draining to keep our walls up.
The reasons why we shut down are based on our fears. We have so many of them:
• Fear of being taken advantage of (being played for a fool again)
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of being ridiculed
• Fear of failure
• Fear of being wrong
• Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
• Fear of losing ourselves
Putting up our walls can serve us well in the interim of getting through a difficult time. But what once may have served as a “survival mechanism” now becomes our second nature, our auto-pilot of you will. It becomes our new “normal”.
We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re scared they won’t love us back. We don’t bother talking to that one particular person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t send in that job application because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.
It goes on and on and on…
The first two steps on my previous blog were:
2. Feel before you can heal
In these next two steps, we’re going to dive in deeper:
#3 – Mirror Mirror on The Wall…..
The people in your life and relationships, even the most difficult ones, are merely reflecting parts of your own sub-consciousness back to you.
Translation: Our outer Relationships with others are a perfect mirror of your inner relationship with yourself.
The beliefs you’ve acquired about life and love have a way of showing up in our external relationships. The perception of ourselves shows up in the people we surround ourselves with.
In order for you to recognize a certain quality in another, it must be part of your awareness. You couldn’t see it otherwise.
That’s why you were attracted to the friends you’ve picked, as well as your lovers. You noticed a quality that agreed with yours and you formed a relationship to varying degrees because of it. You were “attracted” to this person (and their qualities) in one way or another.
Everything you admire in another person belongs to you as well. Every quality that you see in someone, whether you admire it or dislike it, is your mirror – It is showing you who you are.
What about the difficult people in my life? Does this mean I have similar qualities and I was “attracted” to them, also?
So what you’re saying is that I was attracted to their negative qualities, too?
The reason we feel negatively towards a person and/or their actions is because they are reflecting a certain aspect of ourselves that we’ve refused to look at; the parts of ourselves that we’ve tried to shove down and ignore.
When we notice the flaws in others and attempt to condemn them, we are only irritated because deep down, we know that we’re not addressing the very same issues within ourselves.
Essentially, the deeper cause of break-ups and divorce happens when one or both partners can no longer stand to see themselves in the other person.
Every single person in your life is your mirror.
#4 – Moving Forward & Breaking Negative Dating Patterns
Look back at your past (and present) relationships. Do you find they are very similar? Can you see a pattern? Are you attracted to people with similar qualities? People with the same problems, maybe only the face has changed?
We are truly creatures of habit, so when you look at all your relationships, even the non-romantic ones, you’ll more than likely see a pattern of some sort.
Relationship patterns are inevitable. The real question is…do you like the pattern you see? Have they served you? Are these patterns bringing out the best in you, or are they bringing out the worst?
When I began applying this principle to my own relationships, I noticed how I was always facing the same problems, I had the same feelings and even the same insecurities, and they continued to repeat themselves over-and-over. I definitely had a pattern.
For a while, I thought the cause of my past heartbreaks were because I was dating the “wrong guys”.
But when I really took a step back, the ugly truth was that there was one common denominator…
And that was ME.
Boy was that realization a wake-up call for me.
More like a rude awakening, because this whole time I was thinking it was “them” who had the problem.
When really, I was the “problem”.
As much as it hurt to acknowledge this, it was a vital piece of my growth and is the very reason all of my relationships have improved! For once you realize that You are the problem, the next step is to realize the You are also the solution, the power to change it all is yours!
For years, I surrendered to the belief that relationships were difficult and they required so much compromise and effort. This made it easy for me to lose hope and give up when it came to love.
I’ve said to my friends many times before “I am NEVER dating again! F%!# marriage!”
I’d often wondered things like “Why do I always fall for the unavailable guys?” or “Why am I the one who’s only attracted to the jerks, the assholes and the ones who run from commitment?” Or “Why can’t I just fall for the guys who are nice, loving, honest and sweet?” What is wrong with me?”
No matter how many times I tried to change someone or even tried to change the face of the person sitting next to me, the fundamental problems of my relationship seem to always remain unchanged.
This was because they were simply mirroring me.
The reflection I was “seeing” was the inner relationship I had with myself. At the time, I was distant, guarded, and silently screaming “get the hell away from me—I don’t want to get hurt again!”
So, as a result, my external relationships showed themselves the very same way. They showed me who I was. Or, who I thought I was anyway.
They showed me parts of myself that I was refusing to acknowledge. It was no wonder I repelled the guys who were truly ready for a commitment.
Consider all areas of your life, i.e. relationships, career, finances and health in the following examples:
- If you feel others can’t be trusted, what areas of your life do you need more trust? Maybe trusting yourself more? Personally? In your business? Trusting in the process of life?
- If you can’t stand to be controlled by anyone, how are you yourself controlling? What areas could you back off a bit? Where do you tend to be overbearing?
- If jealously annoys you, somewhere there’s a piece of you that’s jealous (maybe specifically to romantic partners, but it can be of others too—maybe a co-worker or a friend).
- If you feel you’re always being criticized, you too can be overly critical. Maybe to others, maybe even more so to yourself.
- If other people’s negativity or insecurities irritate you, you’ll find that you, too, have a negative nature and the same insecurities.
The positive and negative qualities in a person are appearing in your life to teach you something about yourself. This isn’t about them, this is about you. Once you own up to them, it gives you a chance to re-discover and ultimately, re-define yourself.
This allows you to grow into the amazing person you truly are.
Essentially, you teach others how to treat you…by how you treat yourself. You have to love yourself and truly feel deserving of a loving, healthy relationship.
So let’s recap on all 4 vital steps to learning to trust again:
- Feel your feelings
- Mirror, mirror on the wall
- Move forward and break negative dating patterns
These four things are not only the foundation to learning to trust others, but they are the keys to self-love and improving each and every relationship in your life!
I hope this has helped you open up to love just a little bit more. 🙂 If you would like a free 30-60 minute personal discovery session with me, go to my website and send me a request, and let the truth set you free!
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