27 Oct Relationships & Self-Love
Have you ever started a relationship that seemed so promising and then “suddenly” something goes wrong leaving you feeling confused, disappointed or rejected?
It’s no wonder we are reluctant to start a new relationship and repair existing ones. In fact, we fear rejection so much that we can subconsciously begin sabotaging a good thing and maybe even end things before they even got started. So in order to prevent yourself from repeating the same mistakes, you must understand what has really happened.
Are You Running on Empty?
Like a car, in order for us to function properly and to feel centered, loving & grounded, we need to be sure that our “tank” is filled with love. When our tanks are full, we have the energy and patience to give love to the world around us; but when we are running on empty, we feel overwhelmed, unworthy, angry and sad and that is how we ultimately treat those around us.
When a person is unhappy and currently in a relationship, it becomes a knee jerk reaction to want to immediately blame your partner, a friend or even a parent. All our lives, we have heard the phrases “You make me so angry.” Or “He makes me so angry.” Until finally, we start believing that other people are responsible for our happiness and they have the power to determine how we feel. Hmmm. That doesn’t sound right to me.
We become unhappy in our relationships; we turn to our partners, begin pointing fingers and then blame them for all the unhappiness. Until eventually, one of us finally decides to end the relationship. Unfortunately, this is a common pattern.
We are mistaken for blaming our partners for our negative feelings though. When we feel bad, its easy to play the blame game and use “them” as an excuse. Yet if we don’t know the root cause of our unhappiness, we will always look for someone, other than ourselves to blame. It’s the easy way out.
We cannot learn to have healthy, loving, long-lasting relationships until we recognize this as a pattern and we understand that our unhappiness is occurring because we are craving the one essential ingredient needed for happiness (and it was missing long before you even meet your partner)…
That one ingredient is unconditional self-love!
We cannot give what we do not have. Our tanks must be filled with unconditional self-love before we can expect to give it to others.
Any time we are comparing, judging, or simply being negative, we are depleting our love tanks. Which then makes us feel bad, and since we feel bad, we do it some more. We spend so much time beating ourselves up until it finally becomes a vicious cycle. So how do we get out of this pattern?
This all goes back to programming our subconscious mind. Our minds have a “mind” of their own. It simply runs on the “programs” that were “installed” throughout our childhoods.
Through the practice of self-awareness you can begin to notice what you are noticing. Once you begin to understand the chatter of your mind (especially around relationships), you can learn how to better deal with it–which ultimately is the process of self love.
Self-love is about knowing and honoring your needs, wants and wishes. It is about understanding your inner world. I.e. Your thoughts and feelings. It is about being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Self-love is a spirit you carry that you apply to everything in your life. It is a daily practice consisting of nourishing and joyful activities
Two-step process to a healthy foundation
- Love yourself FIRST. Nobody can love you if you don’t love yourself first. Without unconditional love, almost everything seems threatening to us, even the most innocent of behaviors.
- When someone becomes angry or criticizes us, we become afraid, defensive and angry, we sometimes respond by using behaviors that will intentionally hurt them. In turn, they too react by protecting themselves and hurting us with an even greater intensity. Prevention: The next time someone criticizes you, try putting your defenses down and truly listen with your heart, not your ears. Yes, some things may be hurtful,to hear, but the bigger question is…Are they true? If there is some truth to them, own up. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admit your wrong doings is essential to your growth.